A Grateful Heart is a Magnitude for Blessings x
As we draw to the end of the year I think it’s only right we reflect on the past year. I don’t know for you lot but my year was mad! Pure cancer and pure emotions.
I’m switching up the narrative of this blog, essentially because I think it’s important to highlight how cancer can actually affect a whole persons life. Cancer is the result and there was so much that built up to the point when I was diagnosed with cancer and after.
18 months on from cancer and where do we go from here? Let me explain, I am so grateful I made it through cancer and I can’t thank God enough for my blessings as it could always have been worse. But as life goes, when things fall out of focus view we forget that past pain and a new pain comes. Its like childbirth at the time I said nah nah I’m not doing that again. But 10 years on I would have another child in a heartbeat because I forgot what that intense pain felt like. But Cancer has unearthed a whole new set of truths a new life. I’m playing from a new deck of cards, anyone with a life trauma will understand that. Life feels like survival of the fittest right now. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like the sun is shinning on my clart hard. Over days I feel like someone has done obeah on me (anyways you got to believe it for it to happen) One thing I’ve learnt though is that when your shinning bright like diamonds people will try their hardest to rub out your shine. You can even offer them a piece of your shine but they will want the whole lot and they don’t give a fuck what you went through to achieve that shine.
So just like that the feelings of my initial cancer diagnosis are fading but the emotions attached to it are intensifying. Major fear, major anxiety and I’m questioning the pain in my chest is it medical or phantom? Because it hurts, it hurts when I’m not even thinking about nothing, just keeping that consistent riddim in my chest. But I’ve been here before and I know how to deal with it because its not real. I remember the first time I experienced an anxiety attack it was about 10 years ago. Thought life was over mate, thought this was a heart attack. I went to my doctors and told her in true style “ItS hAPPenING”. I was convinced. Anyways that a whole another chapter.
This year I lost a breast, confidence and sanity but I gained controlled, clarity and truth.
One thing I have learnt though is that its definitely okay to let go.
Hope everyone has had a Happy Holiday despite the bullshit.
We return next year with some more diary entries as I realised I still have so much to tell you all! Bless up my people and remember you are a big deal and always give thanks no matter how tough it seems.
A GRATEFUL HEART IS A MAGNITUDE FOR BLESSINGS!
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