Being a Mother.....
Its been a while because I have deviated from the plan I ran away, I was meant to do a Christmas special I missed it, I was meant to do a New Years special I missed it, I was meant to do a Valentines special I missed it, but I’m doing a Mother’s Day one because mother figures are important. Whether it be a grandmother, aunty, sister or the random lady down the street that cared for you and your siblings.
The truth is there is no plan, book or Instagram account that can prepare you for being a mother. I became a mum at 19, I was still in college and living at my mum's house. The good thing is I had a job and that helped a lot. I never once doubted my ability to support my child physically or with material things because I live within my means but there have been times when I’ve questioned my mental state.
I will be honest having a child is a beautiful blessing something I am appreciating more and more now since being diagnosed with cancer but sometimes you wanna tell them to get out your face. Especially when they do things like lie cleaaaan in your face like say your fool.
Scenario 1 -
Me: “Amarah why is my clothes rack leaning to one side and bent at the bottom?”
Amarah: “Ohhh I’m not sure mum it was just like that....however, I think maybe the aliens might have snuck in last night and did it”
Now, I was a bit naive to my daughter’s occasional pathological lying habit so I didn’t think twice. But a couple of days later I was looking at the rack and I was so confused as to how it could have just bent. So I called her bluff....yeah I called it right out....
Me: “Mari....you know I saw when you broke the rack?”
Amarah: “Huh....who me?”
Me: “Nah your baby brother you don’t have”
When I say the little girl stood there for about 5 mins trying to claim innocence. She tried to throw me off the conversation a few times, told me how beautiful the sky was and asked me if I wanted a donut about twice. My daughter is the true definition of "Even if you get caught on CCTV" still deny it. (We are working on this and she is currently receiving effective treatment.) Eventually, she confessed and said that she leaned on it by 'accident' this was a "get out my face" moment.
As I reflect on these "get out my face" moments I think I wouldn't change any of them because all of those moments help you to become a better mother. You get to understand your child more. On the flip side, she can be so attentive, loving and caring. Before cancer all I did was work. I became obsessed with building my career and earning more and more money. So you got more money and less time because you're not working smarter instead your working harder. Cancer has made me take time out and realise I did not spend much time with her at all, I could buy her things but I couldn't help her enjoy the things.
I remember wanting to disappear a few times in the early stages of motherhood, I can't even say that phrase anymore even just for bantz as cancer can make you disappear as my beautiful bird did. But anyone who's had a child and lived in their mum's house will know how difficult that is in itself. You and your baby living in one room, all yours and their possessions in one room. You know the kids go through a phase where they coming like owl, little nocturnal creatures. All I remember one time is this little girl running through the house in the dark at midnight, all now I don't know what she was doing. I just remember my mum coming into my room and saying "why is the child running through MY house like that? First of all, I used to get triggered when she used the word My and secondly Janice I am really tired and she's not bothering anyone with what she's doing so can we just allow the child her happiness and spare me my sanity. I remember just letting her do what she wanted to do to stop the headache but then I would get a different type of headache from my mum. I remember sharing a few stories like this with my friend and she said one time she was so tired but her daughter wasn't but to avoid her mum getting angry with her she fell asleep blocking the door so her daughter couldn't get out.
I love my mum though since I moved out of HER house our relationship has flourished she's like my best friend. She's looked after me since birth and even more so now through my cancer malarky. I cannot thank her enough, yeah there were times I couldn't stand her but above it all I truly love her.
Being a mum isn't always easy and our kids big or small can be little shits but I would not trade this experience for the world.
So big up your chest even though there are times it gets rough, just remember you are doing a great job!