I wasn’t going to make it past the summer...#3
23rd July the day my life changed forever. The thing is I wasn’t even anticipating the results. I called my aunt and asked her to come with me as I’m sure one of my Little Birds approached me and told me to prepare properly. The thing is no one could prepare me for what I was about to hear.
Sitting in the Breast clinic, I hear "Kelly, Shevelle". A pleasant blonde nurse calls me. As I am walking she turns to say, “Do you have someone with you?” I gave an awkward smile to my aunt and nodded yes. First of all, why is she asking me do I have someone with me? Is it bad news or is it protocol? But why? At this point I am frantic. We enter the room to see a consultant seated perfectly, as poker-faced as can be. He invites us to take a seat, asks me how I’ve been. Stop with the small talk we all know what we're here for. He then proceeds to say “We have checked the mass and I am sorry to say it’s cancer."
I immediately stood up and started blurting out the first thoughts in my head:
“But you ALL said I was too young”
“This doesn’t make sense”
“ I don’t get it”
“I am only 28 though”
But it didn’t matter nothing I pleaded would make them change their mind and give me a different diagnosis. They handed me my sentence and it was non-negotiable.
He tried to explain what happens next but I knew I didn’t like him, so why would I want to speak to him? I told him and the nurse I was leaving and you can chat with her, pointing at my aunt. I said it just like that, "you can chat to her" with the most nonchalant South London attitude you can imagine.
They wanted me to stay but I had to let them know......" I... AM... NOT... STAYING, BECAUSE... I... NEED... TO LEAVE." if you need my consent to discuss, take it, I've signed my rights over to my aunt.
They pleaded with me to stay but the truth is I knew I had a funeral to prepare, time was of the essence. My date of death was next week Wednesday approx a week and a half after diagnosis. How can they even try and talk to me still (so insensitive). I just didn’t wanna hear it. You put me on death row and still wanna talk?
As I left the room I left my aunt, the consultant, and the nurse. I walked out, the nurse followed and took me to another room. I had tears in my eyes. It hurt, it all hurt. My life hurt. She explained to me what happens next, they needed to check the receptors. I didn’t have a clue what that meant. She said they believe it was in its early stages. But I didn’t care, all I knew was I was dying and definitely wasn’t going to make it past the summer. So just forget it. I don’t even need to hear anymore.
Time to make arrangements, I was trying to process all my finances in one. I bought my daughter her school uniform, one less thing for her ' new carer’ to worry about. Realised I didn’t even have my funeral funds together like that. But I’m still employed and death in service applies to me so guess they will get something to cover the costs.
Alexa play - Chandelier, Sia