Is it rude for me to say welcome back?!
Hi Guys…. welcome back to my blog. I apologise from the bottom of my heart. You guys stuck with me and followed my journey. Some of you have no clue what is even going on with me at present and that’s not right….
So here we go long story short…nah I lied it’s a long story.
The truth is I had enough of cancer, talking about it experiencing it, so I wanted to shut it out in fact it unearthed a whole lot of emotions within me and made me realise the real traumas I have been dealing with which I will let you all in on as I update my blog more frequently.
Here’s my diary inserts from my chemo experience -
I completed Chemotherapy on January 23 2020, what a relief because I honestly didn’t think the day would come. Finally I can look forward to my hair growing, but me being me I believed I would be the one who’s hair wouldn’t grow back….bald for life.
Cycle 1 - Was easy! Carbo and Paclitaxel I definitely won that round I came hard. I went to a wedding 2 days after and nobody knew. Damn! If this is what it’s going be like it’s not bad I can do it.
Cycle 2 - I got complacent it had me on the ropes for 5 days. My taste buds were gone. I felt constipated. I wanted to vomit. Where’s that Don P (what I called the anti-sickness) I need it. My hair is actually falling out rapidly now. Nah…I underestimated you chemo and I’m sorry take it easy on me cycle 3....please.....I said please.
Cycle 3 - Let’s show her who’s boss. I slept for 2 days straight. I didn’t eat for 5 and when I did all I could stomach was oats. That chemo without the therapy had me me drained. I cried the weekend after imagine being hungry and not being able to taste shit and I’m not a small gal. What’s the point really? I felt like a patient after this session. I became breathless whilst walking. Yeah you know when you see people randomly sitting on a wall not near a bus stop or anything....yeah that was me because I was out of breath out of lung, no air I was having to take a seat on people’s front patio and still trying to look cute whilst sweating out my synthetic wig. Having dustbin men scream “sweetness” at me. Then making friends with Sally telling her don’t worry love give me 5 mins and I’ll move.
Cycle 4 - Confirmed my red blood cells was becoming victim after the lump. This explained why I was in London bridge station out of my head with everything spinning. Why I ended up sitting on the front stairs of a church for 20 mins must have been waiting for GOD himself to collect me because trust me losing your breath and dizziness on the road when your by yourself and you don’t know why isn’t even funny. They threatened me with a blood transfusion after this. I didn’t want it you know. Started overdosing on iron supplements. One oncologist said I should eat green stuff and red meat which should help. Another random bitch looked at me and said there’s nothing you can do but just know that if next week they are not up you will need a transfusion before cycle 5. She wanted me to part of another set of statistics I could feel it I rebuked it and continued overdosing on the supplements.
Cycle 5 - I met a lovely registrar 3 days before cycle 5 she was literally rooting for me! She was like you’ve had a fantastic response to treatment so far! I am really happy with this. She didn’t even mention my red blood cells.
Anyways Thursday I had my chemo named the Red Devil for a reason! The chemo doesn’t last long but it’s stronger than carbo and paclitaxel without a doubt. That thing hit me as I went home, when it thought no one was looking I had to bring a plastic bag to bed as I was scared it was going to make me throw up. I mean it wasn’t bad but I thought the chemo takes a few days to affect you after all the steroids and meds wear off. Now, I wonder if they gave me placebo tablets because they’ve been impressed with how I’ve been handling stuff? Save a bit of money on the NHS init.
Oh I didn’t mention that I am having this type of chemo every 2 weeks as opposed to every 3? Yeah because apparently I’m doing quite well with minimal side effects and basically I’m young so they want to pump me with the drugs as quick as I can take it. Also I read that studies show a 35% better results for triple neg patients if they have treatments closer together. Yep so I’ve been signed up to an non-consensual type of research I’m guessing.
Cycle 6 - That cycle 5 bought on the anxiety for cycle 6. I don’t want to do it anymore, yes I’m handling it well but I’ve already pre-empt I’m going to burst into tears and tell the onco “I’m done” This cycle hit me so hard in comparison to the others. I feel like a kid who’s been getting 10/10 on their tests and now it’s a lil harder I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to lose my clean sheet. For the first time in forever I feel anxious. NOT DEPRESSED. Just anxious. Anyways Happy New Year and guess what I FXCKING not only made it past the summer I made it past Christmas.
Cycle 7 - I made up my mind I’m done can I tell them I don’t want it anymore. As soon as I see that Red drug I start to heave it makes me feel weaaaaaak. I saw my oncologist he was amazing as soon as I stepped in his face lit up and said only 2 weeks left then you’re done. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him what I was thinking all over Christmas. The thing with me is I’m an internal breeder of thoughts. They are wild!!!!!! I just said let me keep quite with the dramatics chemo soon done!
Cycle 8 - The last saw an oncologist I’ve never seen before as per usual but the CNS nurse was one that I like she remembered me. Asked me the usual questions side effects blah blah examined me tried to put a dampener on me and said she can feel muscle tissue near where my lump was *rolls eyes* surprisingly I didn’t even let that comment affect me coz she’s not an MRI machine and the previous onco said he couldn’t feel anything and my last MRI showed good response, you guys are shocked at my attitude right? Yeah me too coz me 5 months ago would have flipping took my self shard or London Bridge and made the jump. Anyways one more cycle to go!!
Took bloods and left.....
Weds before my last cycle I had a phone call saying I needed to come in early on Thursday before my chemo to repeat bloods! I said pardon it’s meant to be my last. The nurse politely said yes but your White blood cells was a little low. I wanted to fling the phone. How dare you try and sabotage me on my last cycle you had 15 previous rounds to delay me now you want to do it on the last day.....nah fuck off. You realised I been flying through the rounds with higher scores my spirits was in a different place since being diagnosed and now you want to bring me back to that staring point. Nahhhh go and find something to do.
23 January 20202 final chemo (God willing) I laughed as I sat in the chair. My nurse was funny too Jamaican girl face push up bad. But lovely when you speak to her. I can’t believe I made it through. Chemo can be harder than having cancer in some instances. It’s like driving down the motorway the wrong way to get away from a serial killer. You know you could die from doing such thing but if you don’t do it you will die equally but if you make it through the survival chance is greater. Only thing I could compare it too...wild right? Yeah but you lot know me by now.
So there you have it! I made it past the summer, Christmas and Chemo! X