...tough times never last...
I don’t even really know how to start but I’m hearing that I’ve left you lot in the lurch. Disappeared without a trace type vibe. I mean I’m good…things could be greater but then what does that even mean? Because no matter how good life is there’s always room for it to be greater right? But that’s where gratitude fits in. I can’t lie sometimes I forget about gratitude, and I just want everything. You know the saying “oh you think the world owes you something,” but I do think it really does lol I legit think I need to get paid.
I had my final surgery in February to make me symmetrical! February 15th, 2022. Perky sets. I was so grateful. I fell in love with the surgeon again. It wasn’t my usual consultant who did it. We will call him Mr H on the morning of my surgery Mr H said that my consultant Mr A had been caught up and asked if I minded if he did it. I had met him once before when the port in my breast flipped and my genius consultant Mr A couldn’t reach it. I was more than happy for him to do it because he reminded me of a cuddly teddy bear with his little bow tie and glasses with the strings around them…. if you have attended Guys for breast cancer you know who I’m on about lol. Anyways he did a fantastic job in aligning my tits you can’t tell the difference well I mean one is fake, but I still have nipples and shit on both but one I cannot feel any sensation in it whatsoever. When I say love these two consultants, I started to think I was weird because I legit fell in love with my care givers…. middle aged men who had fondled with my tits whilst I was sleeping….what are you exactly in love with Shev? I think it’s coz they helped save my life and ironically on my last check-up appointment I was showing one of ‘em my tits and the other walked in an I said, “Mr A do you wanna see both my breasts?” They started laughing because I was so ecstatic, but I felt no judgment only good vibes. In that appointment then proceeded to say…” we only need to see you once a year now” I felt sad because it sounds crazy, but it was like the one place that wanted me… a bit sad really.
Self-Awareness is hot topic for me right now. I’m so self-aware it’s crazy and self-awareness isn’t just knowing about yourself it’s an ongoing project. It allows you to become non-judgemental, release assumptions, become kinder and more understanding of difference. One thing people tell me is that I am highly sensitive, before I used to cry and plead my case that I wasn’t cryeeeey or crying making them laugh and taunt me more. The truth is now if you call me that I just simply think that it’s an issue with you and your inability to feel or express emotion…simple. I get high off knowing I’m self-aware and with that comes a sense of liberation if you have a issue with me that’s a you problem…. I got 99 problems and the fact that I like to cry isn’t one!
I’ve soldiered on for years smiling and saying, “tough times never last….” But if I’m being honest (which is what I love to do) this time has been lasting. Because the truth is no matter how good I am there’s always something that could be better and that’s human nature on a whole. Even those billionaires want more.
One thing I do count my blessings for is that I have life because 3 years ago to this week the man in the white coat told me I was dying and that was facts. I just wanted to say to him “I’ll trade ya?.I would have given my arms, legs, toes and torso if it meant I could stay living. But now that all seems a distant memory. But my eyes are filling up with water as I write this because I still don’t understand why it happened, I was chosen really wasn’t I. Seems like I’m always chosen for the hospital visits and operations. But I don’t get it. Why can’t I be chosen to win the euro millions or something…. cha.
Self-pity what is that? Is it good is bad? Does it matter? What? Because I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. Coz it’s sad you know the physical heals, my hairs grown back, eyebrows thick…. lashes are struggling but we can’t have it all. But mentally I feel insane at times, the ‘thinking’ is a madness everyday thinking. But I must make sure I speak words of wisdom and power to myself. Like literally I say “come on Shev, it’s calm you can do this” because the truth is you’re the first person to hear these words and why do you want to be horrible to yourself? And when we are speaking sadness into our hearts, we do it based off what others have said about us. We call ourselves stupid because someone has said we are stupid. At the end of the day what you think of yourself matters the most. Carrying around mental pain is worse than physical pain and 90% of the time the mental pain causes the physical pain. *Pain is nothing, but an illusion of the mind* your heart is hurting because you haven’t healed your mind. The truth is nobody cares, harsh? But it’s the truth, when your dead and garn you become a distant memory. Not a bad thing but it’s the truth. Simply because life goes on.
Let me tell you something be honest with yourself one day and see how much healing is done. We’re all flippin depressed deep down if you’re not, which world are you living in. Admit it all to yourself now, all the things you carry around with you every day and see how free you feel after. Pain, anger, fear sadness is all a disease and will eat away at you. We’ve all got PTSD. But can you admit it? Can you admit your traumatised by that childhood trauma or by that relationship that broke you into pieces, but you had to pretend it was cool? We hold too much in and I’m done with all that I dunno about you lot. But I talk to free my mind. Because mi nah dead fi nuh body.
Task: Get a piece of paper and write down all the sadness that sits in your heart, all the things that you’ve never been able to say out loud. Write about how YOU feel. Don’t think about whether it’s a big deal or not…who’s judgment is that?
Sometimes I’m grateful for my ability to fake it because….I’m broken and traumatised and that won’t leave me. In saying all this I do feel happy I literally have accepted all the above hence why I feel happy. I’m not trying to fight against it. We are all different and the truth is tough times never last…. literally there is a plan for all of us. Well, that’s what I tell myself. Think it’s a coping mechanism just like when I say everything happens for a reason…. definitely a coping mechanism. However, that’s what life is one big ball of coping mechanisms. Find out the mechanism that works for you that’s all I say.
Mood: India Arie - Get it together